Ryan. Obsession. Parties.

Parties. Today i had a birthday party and like it was really boring and stupid. Not like really i guess, i dunno. i was expecting something in which i didn't get. it's ok though. i miss alex. i haven't seen him in a really long time. people say that they don't think he's a very good boyfriend. and sometimes i feel like i should agree with them because sometimes i crave that attention that public affection. but then i start thinking about it. i have nothing to prove to anyone. he loves me and i love him and we don't have to be like on top of each other so that other people understand. if people don't get it, it's there own fuckin' fault. he told me he loved me in front of his friends yesterday and it totally made my day/night/week. it was just good to know that he loves me enough to admit it in front of his friends/family. but neway.
Obsession. I have this obsession with talking to noah. it's like i have to talk to him just to either make him mad or make myself mad. it's a really weird obsession. i also have this obsession with ryan. it's like i have to know that he's reading my journal, i dont' know why but i HAVE to know that someone's reading it. i don't like to write in public if the public won't see it. i don't know why i'm so addicted to having ryan read this. it's kind of pathetic? i dunno. i really miss him and want to see him and that cant happen. oh well.


The Loss of Innocence

The night was dark with smoke. Suffocating everything in its way. Never looking back to see the damage it caused. It must be nice to be smoke. Never hurting itself but always hurting others. Never having to live with the guilt of its actions, never feelings or knowing anything. Emotionless, yet so damaging. Yes, if she could be anything she would choose to be smoke, and evaporate only to return with vengeance.
Instead she was a scared, self conscious, lonely little girl with no place in the world. No sense of belonging and no love, whose only possession was a red and white striped stuffed animal cat her father gave her before leaving. Everyone left her; she had a talent of driving people away, much like her mother.
“Bridget get your ass down here!” yelled the overweight drug dealer, Randy.
She never spoke, never stood up for herself, always did as she was told as to avoid conflict and a heinous beating. Bridget walked over to Randy. He was drunk and unaware of his behavior or intoxication level for that matter because when she pointed out his state he swore he only had one beer, but she knew she was right and tonight would be another night of fighting, but to leave him would mean standing up for herself which she was incapable of doing.
“Bitch, go get me a beer,” he stuttered, but Bridget knew what he wanted. He wanted an excuse to treat her the way he did. She got him his beer. She did as she was told. In handing it to him he smiled sickly and grabbed her ass. Bridget cringed and put the beer on the uneven card table. She tried to walk away, but he cornered her. He always cornered her. She felt like a caged animal, alone and scared. His intensely blue eyes became evil as he fondled her.
“Bridget, fight back!” she told herself. “Do it! Just this once! Stand up.”


“Mommy, higher, higher!” that’s what she would say once she was born.
She will be healthy and happy, and pretty, but for now she was merely a fetus, and June, her soon to be mother, was seventeen and miserable. Seventeen with a full-time job, no boyfriend, pregnant, and a dope addiction she just couldn’t kick. June was tall with black hair, all skin and bones. June wasn’t much to look at and didn’t have much of a personality, but what she did have drove people to her. She had a way of making people feel like heroes. Some said June wasn’t very bright, and that might be true when it came to schoolwork, but outside of that she could manipulate everyone to get what she wanted. At one time June was on the top of her game until she met her match. A tall, old man with looks to die for and the money to back them up. June was 13 when she met him.
“A nice 200 dollar bottle of wine and the salmon,” said tall, dark, and handsome with such ease all you could say was “wow”.
June instantly wanted him. His suave, debonair attitude, killer looks and wallet made her wonder just how she could get him. June was 13 and a waitress at her father’s restaurant. Instantly Mr. Suave took a liking to her. He was attracted to her shy, mysterious attitude. What she lacked in looks she made up for in mystery. The mystery was so intriguing that he had to have her, despite her age.
“Excuse me miss,” he said tenderly, “but how am I supposed to enjoy my meal with a pretty little thing like you not sitting with me?”
“Oh,” June said giggling. “I couldn’t possibly. --- I’m, um, working.”
“I’m sure I could arrange something,” he winked and pulled out a chair.
June looked around nervous and unsure of what she should do.
“Come on,” he persisted.
She didn’t know what to do. He was nice, rich, interested, persistent, and gorgeous. She went and told her dad she was off for the night. He nodded and waved his hand in dismissal. June took off her work apparel and changed in the bathroom. She had clothes in a locker in the back room. She had a pleated mini skirt that complimented her long legs and a barely there camisole that made her look good despite her lack of cleavage. When she came back and pulled up a chair the man hardly recognized her. When he realized that it was her he took her hand and thanked her for coming.
About an hour had passed since she sat down with him. June was enjoying herself and loved talking to this man. June had made an effort to keep the conversation innocent. They discussed food, theme parks, school, and future plans. June’s giggle and teasing drove the man wild He stood up abruptly, startling June. The man walked out of the restaurant and June followed obediently and confused. Once she got outside, she couldn’t find the man anywhere, she looked all around. She finally saw him and proceeded to walk towards him. Once she approached him, he looked up and told her to get in the car. She obeyed. June was so confused and desperately wanted to trust him.
They drove to a hotel. The man asked her what she wanted. June smiled seductively. She didn’t know what she was doing, but she did know what he wanted and she was willing to give it to him…for a price.


“Can’t you leave me alone!? Ever?!” Jeremy screamed to his mother.
Teen adolescence had never been her for take. It wasn’t that she didn’t understand raging hormones and changing bodies, it was that she didn’t care. She was so caught up in her own successful career as a lawyer, her own life. She had no room in her heart for others and her lack of concern and compassion really took a toll on her son. Lola, Jeremy’s mother, drove her son down a path of searching. She led her son to become a member of the Lonely Hearts Club. Always lost, and as much as they would like to be found, they are completely incapable of achieving what they want.
“Just come down for dinner!” Lola shrieked up the oak staircase to her son.
“Where’s Dad?” Jeremy asked angrily, not really wondering where he was, only said it to hurt her.
She looked at him wild with anger and walked away. He, knowing he had achieved what he wanted, went back in his room. Lola sat down to her cold, lifeless chicken and peas. Looking at it made her angry, she threw it against the wall and watched in shatter. Annoyed at what she had done she went and got the broom. With her lip twitching, she calmly swept up the mess.
Maybe that’s why she devoted herself to her work. She never wanted to remember her failed marriage. She was married to the CEO of a toy manufacturing company. Apparently she wasn’t the only one attracted to the high-power businessmen, because he was cheating on her with another women from his work. She knew it, her son knew it, and her husband knew they knew it, but divorcing him would not only give him happiness while she would be miserable, it would also ruin the image of her perfect little family and she wouldn’t have other people look up to her. However, the most powerful reason for staying with him was that she still loved him.



Angry, and totally incapable of love was Jeremy. Jeremy Michael Lenn was almost completely emotionless. The only emotion he ever expressed was anger. At one time a happy, bubbly six year old had now transformed into a punk skater addicted to ecstasy and cutting. Nothing mattered to him anymore. He was totally detached from the world and was just waiting for death, or something better than what this life had to offer him.
Jeremy’s life seemed to go down the toilet as soon as his parents started to fight. They used to be so close, so tight nit and then he grew up. When he wasn’t a baby anymore it seemed as if his parents went back to their own lives and let him live his with no interference and no questions. For a while it was great, no curfew, no rules, it was like never ending summer camp. However, all good things must come to an end, and the eternal freedom began to get boring. The less restrictions he had the more he wanted. Finally he began to rebel, turning to drugs and alcohol to get his mind off of his negligent parents. When you’re that high on ecstasy, nothing in the world can bring you down.
Jeremy walked into his room from his long, boring, lagging day at school. He threw his backpack in a corner and walked over to his desk. There’s no better “pick me up” from a bad day, than an ecstasy tablet. He popped the pill and waited patiently for the effects to kick in. It took longer for the “happy” to kick in, since his body was so used to it and built up a sort of immunity to it. After about a half an hour he felt it. He closed his eyes and lay back in his bed, smiling and laughing. He turned over and reached for an old, ripped teddy bear that he kept on his nightstand, it was from his dad. Jeremy lovingly pet the teddy and cuddled with it, smiling the whole time. Jeremy’s eyes flickered back and forth. He continued to smile and pet his bear while his throat became dry and he began to sweat. Jeremy just laid there with his bear enjoying the peace and happiness that this one pill had given him.
There was a knock on Jeremy’s door. He didn’t get up.
“Jeremy?” his dad walked in timidly, looking around for his son. Jeremy sprung up, smiling, looking at his father with glazed eyes full of questioning. Questions such as “who are you?” and “where have you been for the past years of my life?” Jeremy’s dad read his son’s eyes and looked down at the carpet guiltily. He knew what a bad father he was.
“Dad?”
“Yeah, I just came in to ask you where your mother was and if you knew when she was coming home,” he said all this while staring down at the carpet.
“No I don’t know where she is. She usually gets home at around 6 p.m. or something,” Jeremy responded unsure and curious of why his dad was home so soon.
“O, ok. Well then I guess I’ll just wait in the living room for her. Thanks son.”
Jeremy’s dad rushed out of his room so fast, Jeremy couldn’t even say “your welcome.”
Still confused and high, Jeremy turned back over in his bed and stared at the blank wall. As he stared he thought. He thought about all the good times he and his parents had spent together. He thought about when they went to the park together and chased the squirrels. He thought about when they first went to Disneyland and his dad bought him a lollipop bigger than his head. He thought about on the fourth of July when they all went to watch the fireworks at the park; and how his mom and dad kissed, so loving and so tender. He remembered when they used to all love each other so much. Jeremy fell asleep remembering these times. He slept for about three hours in pure dreaming bliss. Jeremy fell asleep remembering the love his family shared and awoke to screaming from his parents downstairs.
“JUST GO BACK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND!” screamed Lola.
Jeremy crept down the stairs like a scared little child. He sat there watching the fighting shadows.
“I don’t need this right now!” Lola’s husband replied sternly.
Lola picked up her husband’s clothes and threw them at him with hate, disdain, and defeat. She had lost the battle of love.
“Just GO! GET! Leave us! You always do.”
“Lola, you really need to stop being so dramatic”
“I hate you!” she yelled running into the bathroom sobbing.
There was silence. Jeremy didn’t move. He remained still on the stairs, hiding in the shadows. Ten minutes passed and he heard a door open and close. His dad had left. Jeremy didn’t know if it was for good or just a temporary thing. He didn’t care either. His mom came out of the bathroom and flung her hysterical self on her bed. Her heaving body was crumpled up in a ball. Jeremy stood in her doorway watching the pitiful display hating his father, but hating himself more for not being able to comfort his mother. He wanted so badly to go inside and console her and make her feel better, but at the same time he wanted her to suffer like he did everyday of his life. Jeremy stood there in the doorway watching his mother bawl into her pillow until she fell asleep. She never noticed him standing there, but she didn’t usually notice him. After she had fallen asleep Jeremy went back to his room and stared blankly out his window at the stars hoping for a comet to come kill him or something equally as fatal. He stayed staring out his window contemplating who he hated more, his dad for walking out on he and his mom, or his mom for never being there. Jeremy eventually fell asleep and awoke to the sound of his alarm announcing another day had come.


Bridget arrived at the train station breathless. She looked around pleading for someone, something. Her eyes fixed on the main office. She scurried into the office.
“One ticket to Dallas please,” Bridget managed to mumble in between her pants.
Everything whizzed by her racing mind. The bus was quiet and peaceful as they sped on along the highway towards Dallas, Texas. Bridget nodded off during the 4-hour bus ride, but always awoke more nervous than she was before she fell asleep. Eventually the bus pulled into the Dallas bus station. This was her stop, or more like her start; her new beginning. All she brought was a tiny suitcase full of some old clothes, make up and her red and white striped stuffed cat. She didn’t have much money, and what she had was mostly used on buying her bus ticket. Bridget stepped off the bus and looked around her. It was dirty and dark. She picked up her tiny suitcase, stuffed her thirteen dollars and fifty-two cents into her pocket and walked off towards nowhere in particular.
Bridget arrived at a foul, grimy shelter that allowed her to stay there for the night. She received a hot cup of soup and a spot on the floor. She curled up in a tiny corner and tried to fall asleep. She couldn’t stop thinking about the night, the night where she stood up for herself. The night she changed her life. The night…


The room was nice, nice enough for what it was meant for. The room was to serve one purpose. It was to be a dream achiever. Both of the occupants were to get what they wanted, that was the room’s purpose and that’s what it did.
“Take a hit before we get started babe, it’ll make it all the better,” Mr. Suave told June, as he offered her a rolled up 20 dollar bill and motioned to two white lines on the desk. June walked hesitantly toward the table and took the twenty. She bent over a little nervous and snorted the cocaine line. The high hit her like a bus. She immediately felt invincible.
Screams and moans followed by satisfied sighs and ended with snoring. That’s how the night went. June awoke with confusion as to what happened. She looked down at her bony naked body. She gazed around at the strange room trying to recollect what happened and figure out where she was. Little images flashed in her brain; all of them too quick for her to actually understand what they were. Her holding the twenty to her nose, dancing around like she had no spine and her getting naked were the only visions that she could recall.
“That was a wild night,” Mr. Suave grunted as he rolled over onto his side to face June.
She couldn’t speak. She felt dirty and wanted to cry.